


Closer

by philaetos



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [2]
Category: Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Baz reflects on their relationship, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), M/M, and it’s not fun what he thinks, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27756130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philaetos/pseuds/philaetos
Summary: He’s my boyfriend nowBut is he really mine?Written for the Carry On Countdown
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2030371
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	Closer

**Author's Note:**

> COC 2020 - Day 2 : Distance

**Baz**

We’re close. Closer than we’ve ever been. He’s my boyfriend now, we live together, I’m in his bed at this very moment.

And yet he’s never felt so far away.

Even when I was in that damned coffin, he felt closer than he does know. Because the memory of him was there, warm and comforting. Whenever I closed my eyes I could see him, those blue eyes and bronze curls, this tawny skin and its constellation of moles and freckles. Now when I close my eyes and I try to think about him, about this boy that I love so much my heart might explode, I don’t _see_ him anymore. I _feel_ him. His coldness when I bother him, which is most of the time. His anger when I push him too far trying to fix a bond I’m not sure ever truly existed. His distance.

This terrible distance that he put between us. Or that I put between us. I don’t know. 

I don’t know whose fault it is. I’m not sure it matters. I wouldn’t care who pushed who away so long as we were both reaching for one another, trying to find our way back together.

But I’m not sure we are.

We’re close. Closer than we’ve ever been. He’s taken to kissing me goodbye before I leave for uni now, we hold hands in public, I’m underneath him at this very moment.

And yet he’s never been so far away.

Even when I hated him, he was closer than he is now. Because hatred is still better than indifference. Whenever we fought, I knew I was the sole focus of his attention. Whenever we fought, my words had an impact on him. Now when we fight, it’s like he’s not even there. Like his body is with me, but him, Simon, isn’t. 

I thought sex might fix this. That if we physically united, so very completely, maybe our hearts would too. But all I ever get is his body. I can feel him all around me, inside me, but it’s just his skin against mine, his voice in my ear. Not him, not Simon.

Simon isn’t there with me.

He hasn’t been in so long.

We’re close. Closer than we’ve ever been. 

But are we really?


End file.
